You know what’s crazy? It’s been over a year since I wrote at length about how lousy the WWF had been. To quote College Football Hall of Famer Ron Simmons, damn. Since so much has happened in the world of rasslin’, I think it’s high time for an update. So, readers who don’t give two shits about wrestling, I apologize. Come to think of it, though, this post will probably be fun to read anyway, since it’ll be filled with bad jokes and fake tits.
The biggest development in wrestling is a personal one — I started watching TNA. In a lot of ways, I’d say it’s better than the WWF at the moment. They care about writing, humor, and delivery more than the WWF, and perhaps most surprisingly, they’ve delivered the first watchable women’s division I’ve ever seen. They’re constantly innovating, coming up with interesting matches and fun rivalries, and most of their personalities are distinct. I think the awkwardness from earlier years is subsiding. But all that can be explored in greater detail in the following paragraphs, which I decided should loosely follow an awards-show format. (It makes for good, lazy organization.) Keep in mind that this is hastily thought-out and only partially accurate, considering the only broadcasts I watch regularly are TNA Impact and WWF Raw. Let us begin with our first category.
MOST DISAPPOINTING DRUG SUSPENSION === King Booker === From what I understand, that’s why Booker T. is with TNA now: the WWF suspended him for violating the drug policy, so he quit. In a year filled with drug suspensions, I call Booker’s the most disappointing because it ended the reign of King Booker. Nobody played the role of a ridiculous, self-appointed authority figure better than Booker. The faux-English affectations, the referring to everyone by his first name (e.g., calling Batista “young David”), the silly pinky salute… it was all outstanding. He was a funnier royal send-up than even William Regal. Which reminds me…
SECOND MOST DISAPPOINTING DRUG SUSPENSION === William Regal === And again, it comes during an interesting heel angle after winning the King of the Ring. That farce of a tournament must be cursed. Or maybe it’s just bad luck to be a character who milks a victory in a mid-season tournament.
LEAST SURPRISING DRUG SUSPENSION === Jeff Hardy === Even I could have guessed that he was involved in some sort of recreational drug. Combine his stupid hair and penchant for taking the most consistently vicious bumps among any top-tier guy today and you’ll get a leading candidate for drug use. It’s a shame, really — his high-flying shit is a big reason why I like him. His mic skills aren’t great and that dance of his is just retarded, but he almost always delivers an entertaining match. Here’s hoping he doesn’t get suspended for a third (and final) time.
MOST SUDDEN DRUG SUSPENSION === DH Smith === New kid, son of Davey Boy Smith, comes into the ring for his first TV match. He doesn’t get the mic and makes a respectable (if not particularly memorable) debut. A week later, he’s suspended for steroids. Talk about a roller-coaster ride for Mr. Smith.
MOST CONVINCING PROOF THAT THE WWF DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE TAG-TEAM BELTS === The Hardcore-Twink Connection === Properly, this tag team has no name — it’s just Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes. But Cody Rhodes is your prototypical twink (muscle-bound, hairless, square-jawed babyface). If he weren’t the American Dream’s son, there is no doubt in my mind that he’d be doing gay porn. So that’s why I call the world’s least interesting tag team the Hardcore-Twink Connection. Why so uninteresting? Just watch Twink struggle with a microphone. His woodenness is made more apparent whenever he has to argue with Santino. It’s like watching Letterman interview Paris Hilton — he runs so many circles around her, she doesn’t even realize how bad she looks.
Anyway, they’re currently the Tag Team Champions while decent teams with equal ring skills, better mic skills, and WAY better chemistry keep losing to them. The champs should be Santino & Carlito, and they should have ongoing rivalries with Cryme Tyme, London & Kendrick, and Cade & Murdoch. These are facts. I also think Jeff Hardy should go back to tag action — the Hardys’ matches against Edge and Christian are the stuff of legend. If Matt won’t go along, give Jeff another partner.
BEST CUT-SCENE IN RECENT MEMORY === AJ Styles’s impromptu honeymoon with Karen Angle === I could write novels about how brilliant AJ Styles is. He is easily the best part about TNA, and happily enough, the organization actually seems to recognize as much. He’s a fearsome wrestler whose goal in life seems to be to befriend as many of his competitors as possible. He’s a blameless sweetheart whom everyone hates for reasons that he insists are misunderstandings. Even when he starts feuds, his character makes you believe that he’s doing it out of love and innocence. He is the most lovable heel I’ve ever seen.
Just before the cut-scene in question, AJ accidentally “married” Karen Angle during her vow-renewal ceremony with Kurt (stupid, yes, but it set up some serious brilliance here, so I’m willing to forgive). In an effort to make Kurt jealous, Karen ran with it and went with AJ (and the TNA camera crew) on a date. What follows is up to interpretation (I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said that about a wrestling segment). Either AJ really is a boyish, hopeless romantic, or he’s playing along to make Karen feel lousy for using him. Either way, the segment works. A wrestling segment managed to be funny and heartbreaking at the same time. Well done, TNA.
MOST WELCOME RETURN === Chris Jericho === Still funny, still a great wrestler. Plus, I’m liking this Jericho-HBK rivalry. The best feuds have two guys with good timing.
MOST ABSURD MALE CHARACTER === Shark Boy === (Curry Man is a close second.) Shark Boy is absurd in every way — he’s a scrawny dude with a full-head shark mask who talks exactly like Stone Cold. He even appropriates the catch-phrases. Oh, and he stands on the turnbuckles and drinks clam juice. Completely ridiculous, but in the few weeks when TNA put him over, it worked. And wisely, they’ve shown restraint by not emphasizing him every week. As funny as he was the first two times, I figured they’d beat me over the head with him until I hated him. I guess the WWF has me trained.
MOST ABSURD FEMALE CHARACTER === ODB === Another TNA winner. ODB can best be described as a linebacker with fake tits. Unlike most female wrestlers, she’s built for power and is entertaining in the ring. What makes her more absurd than, say, Roxxi Laveau, the voodoo queen? Well, ODB carries a flask that gives her Popeye-like power during matches. And she slaps her breasts when taunting. And she once said that her breasts were filled with 100% pure vodka. Do you need any other evidence?
NICEST THING THE WWF HAS DONE FOR ME ALL YEAR === Maria’s Playboy shoot === All things considered, it wasn’t the greatest of spreads. But Maria’s long been my favorite WWF Diva, so I’m pleased as punch that I got to see her naked. And now she’s in a lot more matches, which is great for my libido… but that’s it. She’s otherwise pretty brutal in-ring. She needs to go back to managing/dating somebody. The Santino thing ran its course, so she could attach herself to somebody else. She was a pretty good straight man for Santino, so I’m thinking maybe a turn with Kennedy while he has the feud with Burchill and Katie Lea. I’m thinking that could work, but maybe I just want Maria and Katie Lea in the ring together.
BEST WRESTLING GIMMICK === Eric Young’s silliness === He won my heart once I saw that he was afraid of his own pyrotechnics. On top of that, he has an alter ego, Super Eric, who is basically Young in a mask and cape (and he ISN’T afraid of his pyro!). If he’s struggling during a tag match, he’ll leave the ring, return as Super Eric, and destroy the competition. The kicker is that the “real” Eric Young insists that it isn’t him and expresses regret that he once again missed meeting Super Eric, his greatest hero. So silly.
WORST ENTRANCE MUSIC === tie: John Cena, Randy Orton === This isn’t just because I happen to not like the wrestlers themselves. The songs really are as irritating as the characters they introduce. Cena’s with its repetitive electronic-trumpet “bwah da-nah bwaaah” and Orton’s stupid “Hey!” Man, they’re bad. Luckily, Orton’s music changed a few weeks ago, so we’re down to just one entrance tune that makes me claw at my eardrums.
BEST FAREWELL OF A WRESTLER I NEVER REALLY LIKED ANYWAY === Ric Flair’s final match at Wrestlemania === The old man had one last great match in him. Everyone knew he and Michaels would pull out all the stops, and they certainly did. Everyone knew that it would end with HBK giving Flair some Sweet Chin Music one last time, and it was not disappointing. The final count for backhand chops (WOO!): forty. Also, the tear-strewn farewell at Raw the next night was a nice capper.
WORST GIMMICK MATCH === Big Show v. Floyd Mayweather at Wrestlemania === Come on Floyd, for twenty million bucks you couldn’t take even a moderate bump? That was the least convincing David-over-Goliath match I can remember.
LEAST EXCITING ADDITION TO TNA === Sting === I’ve never understood the draw to the Stinger. He wears makeup and… um… is there anything else about him? He talks generically tough and for some reason he’s a perpetual face. That’s pretty much it. Why am I supposed to be excited that Sting is on the roster? He’s just taking time away from guys I already like.
N.B.: A close second for this award goes to Booker T. Having to lose the King Booker gag removed everything entertaining about him. Perhaps his new heel turn will improve things.
BEST INJURY === Cena’s torn pec === I don’t wish pain on the man, and I don’t mean to suggest that I was happy about the injury, but… it was pretty nice not having to hear his stupid music every week.
WORST INJURY === Candice Michelle’s broken clavicle === Pretty brutal and painful. I wanted this category to go to Gail Kim’s busted implant, but not when there’s a shattered collarbone on the mat.
STUPIDEST LINE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MENACING === Randy Orton === The line in question was delivered to Jeff Hardy. Orton had Jeff’s brother Matt (who had just had a real-life appendectomy) vulnerable. To enrage Jeff, Orton exclaimed, “I’m gonna kick him where his appendix used to be!” Ugh.
BEST FINISHER IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING === Petey Williams’s Canadian Destroyer === And no, I’m not overstating things. The man does a front-flip pile driver. Imagine the trust the other wrestler has to have to even attempt it. Just watch it and tell me it isn’t insane.
WORST PERFORMER WHO IS STILL ON TV EVERY WEEK === Vickie Guerrero === According to Adam, the WWF was going to get rid of her, but she’s so unpopular, they’re keeping her on as an uber-heel. That’s where I think the WWF misses the mark where TNA hits it — the WWF still acts like the live audience is most important. The volume of the arena crowd’s hatred is enough to convince them that Vickie is a good heel. But they evidently don’t pay attention to ratings, blogs, or general chatter that would clearly tell them that she doesn’t belong on TV. People aren’t booing her because her character is a power-hungry bitch; they’re booing her because she — as a performer — has yet to sell a single line. Lose her.
MOST SEEMINGLY INTERMINABLE TITLE REIGN === Randy Orton === He only won the title because Cena injured himself. How did that turn into a seven-month reign? Nobody, not even Orton’s mother, was excited about the Age of Orton. The Orton reign did put one thing in perspective: there are worse champions than John Cena. At least Cena can deliver a joke reasonably well. With Orton, they don’t even try anymore — they just prop him up as the silent, angry kid in the back of the bus with nothing interesting to say.
WORST HIRE === Mike Adamle === Why? Even among people who liked the original American Gladiators, he wasn’t popular. A creepy, awkward interviewer/announcer, Adamle has been around forever, and nobody knows why. Now he’s a play-by-play man for ECW and, again, nobody knows why. My mother remembers when he did sideline reporting for NFL games even before Gladiators, and she hated him then. She’s convinced that he has compromising photos of every network executive, and that he unearths a new one every time he loses a job.
MOST SPLENDIFFOROUS DEPARTURE === Bobby Lashley === Stupid babyhead (that’s Adam’s name for him) left the WWF for an apparent attempt at an MMA career. Hooray. Wait, what’s that? He wants to sign with TNA? Say it ain’t so! Maybe he could tag-team with Sting and form the Uninteresting Vaguely Goodish Guys. The kids’ll love ‘em.
BEST HEEL === Santino Marella === The fake Italian accent has won me over. Santino is a fantastic heel — he’s a hot-headed fool who mispronounces everything. “I’m-a so mad!!”
BEST BEAST === Awesome Kong === For the first time in the storied history of the Darrell’s Personal Wrestling-Related Awards Show, the “Best Beast” award goes to a woman. Wrestling hasn’t pulled off a scary, silent beast character in some time. (I think the original incarnation of Kane was the last to do it well, though I have been reasonably happy with Umaga.) Now, TNA has a silent, hulking beast of a character and it’s the Women’s Champion. She normally wins in squashes, and it’s convincing nearly every time. This is why you should start watching TNA.
BEST INTERVIEWER === tie: J.B. and Crystal, both on TNA === It’s nice to see interviewers who have more range than the area between nervous and frightened. Also, Crystal is ridiculously hot.
MOST BITTERSWEET MINOR DECLINE === John Cena === As I’ve mentioned, I’m not a fan of Cena. But his drop to a non-title feud with JBL over practically nothing… it just doesn’t feel right. JBL back in the ring doesn’t feel right on its own, and now a former champion has a meaningless beef with him? I like that I’m seeing less Cena, but it seems like they’re wasting him on this feud. I still contend that the WWF should try to turn Cena heel. He has the mic skills — let’s see if the crowd goes along with it. He’s divisive enough as it is, so maybe it’d work out if he did some cheap shotting and devious plotting. It’s better than every other incarnation they’ve given him.
MOST UNDERUTILIZED WWF STAR === Umaga === He’s a pretty good beast character who sells his mania very well. I like the nonsensical yelling and the idea that he’s fearsome to any and every wrestler who encounters him. They pull it off well. So why is he always part of undercards and B-plots? He needs a good manager and a title run.
MOST UNDERUTILIZED TNA STAR === Jay Lethal === Having Black Machismo in a boring love triangle is a mistake. He needs to get back to fighting for the X-Division championship so we can hear more of his spot-on Randy Savage impression.
An aside: man, the TNA roster is loaded these days. It’s no wonder they keep having multi-man gimmickry matches — there wouldn’t be any room for all of them otherwise. And now they’re talking about adding Bobby Lashley AND Ultimate Warrior? I hope those are empty rumors.
MOST CURIOUS GIMMICK === Vince’s million-dollar giveaway === So a sweepstakes passes for entertainment now? Granted, Vince just announced this as his big idea on Monday, so it could still go anywhere, but really? Giving away a million bucks couldn’t possibly bring in over a million dollars in TV viewers, can it? I don’t know… here’s hoping the mean Vince pops out in the coming weeks and gives his prize to Donald Trump.
LEAST INTERESTING BELT === WWF Championship === Oh, how the mighty has fallen. The Cena-Orton reign is over, thankfully, but I must say, Triple-Haitch isn’t as fun as he should be. He’s still feuding with Orton, which is boring, and frankly, HHH is a little slow in the ring these days. He’s always been kinda hulking, and the spinebuster is still exciting (if frightening, considering those quad injuries), but it’s getting hard for me to root for him. I still like the guy, though, so maybe he just needs a better foil.
So who should be the next champ? The way I see it, the most believable champs based on looks and in-ring ability would be Jericho, Cena, Kennedy, Michaels, or Umaga. That’s my top card on Raw. Orton has no charisma, Hardy’s too small, JBL’s too old and awkward. Of course, all of that might not matter, considering next month’s draft shuffle.
Okay, I’ve rambled WAY too long on this one, so I’ll stop. I can’t wait to see what the rasslin’ fans have to contribute.
-Darrell
