2011: Year in Review
January 5th, 2012Another year has come to an end, which means we should take that time to reflect. This year, that won’t be the most pleasant experience, as 2011 has been one of the worst years in memory both globally and personally. At least I can start off 2012 right by making snarky jokes about all the important events that occurred in the year prior. As always, please know that all the events described below happened exactly as I choose to remember them. Let’s get started, shall we?
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JANUARY
In one of the worst possible ways for a nation to kick off a new year, a lone assassin opens fire on a Fry’s parking lot in Tucson, wounding 17 and killing six, including federal district judge John Roll. Narrowly surviving the attack was Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords, who suffered a bullet wound to the head. Doctors say the brain damage she incurred will limit her speech and motor functions for some time, but that she will still be “more functional and qualified” than over half of her colleagues in Congress.
The Auburn Tigers defeat the Oregon Ducks 22-19 in college football’s BCS Championship Game. Soon after, a disgruntled Alabama Crimson Tide fan is caught poisoning the forests of Oregon because the Ducks “didn’t do their job”.
Revolution mounts in Egypt, where president Hosni Mubarak calls for a military presence in the streets of Cairo. The army’s presence is unsuccessful because protestors had foreknowledge of their arrival thanks to Mubarak’s use of the hashtag #TanksToMasses in a tweet from the night before.
FEBRUARY
The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-25 to win Super Bowl XLV. Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers wins the game’s MVP, but gives credit to his team’s defense for thwarting Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s advances with its “No Means No” formation.
Teachers and state employees in Wisconsin mount protests in response to new governor Scott Walker’s plan to limit their bargaining rights. Most egregious to protestors was a plan to cut teachers’ pay 1% for every hour-long DVD played in class.
Retail book chain Borders files for bankruptcy, effectively ending over 40 years in business. Borders representatives blame their failure on the rise in digital media as well as the sudden drop in quality from authors like Michael Crichton, Kurt Vonnegut, and David Foster Wallace.
A 6.3-magnitude earthquake rattles Christchurch, New Zealand, killing at least 70 people. Relief packages come from the world over, including from Haiti, which attempts to send over half its population as “volunteers” in a transparent attempt to get out of Haiti.
MARCH
Apple releases the iPad 2. The new device’s chief improvement upon the original is the number “2″ included on the display, causing thousands of rabid Apple consumers to dispose of their original iPads and wait outside for days to replace them.
Communications giant AT&T buys T-Mobile for $39 billion. An AT&T spokesman says the company chose to purchase T-Mobile because many of the shareholders “wanted to get a crack at that girl in the commercials”.
People quickly forget about New Zealand when an earthquake hits Japan, causing a 23-foot tsunami to ravage much of the country’s northern shore. Among the damaged buildings is the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station, which is soon recorded as a disaster on par with Adam Sandler’s Jack and Jill.
A deadly earthquake hits Myanmar, killing more than 70 people. Unfortunately for Myanmar, the world declares itself too “earthquaked out” to provide any sort of relief.
APRIL
A protracted budget dispute puts the United States federal government in danger of shutdown. The shutdown is narrowly avoided due to a key bipartisan compromise: the federal government will still provide funds to various groups that provide abortions, but will outlaw abortions for any would-be mothers whose children would end up “more likely to vote Republican”.
A large hole opens up in the roof of a Boeing 737 during a Southwest Airlines flight from Sacramento to Phoenix. The plane makes an emergency landing in Yuma, Arizona, but no one is injured. Passengers report that the experience was frightening, though not nearly as soul-crushing as spending time in Yuma.
In an elaborate and wasteful ceremony, Prince William marries longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton at Buckingham Palace. The pretty wedding with the pretty royals is reportedly viewed by over 3 billion people worldwide. Meanwhile, the same 3 billion people continue to wonder why world leaders take advantage of them.
MAY
US Navy Seals kill notorious terrorist Osama bin Laden at his palatial manor in Abbottabad, Pakistan. The raid was met with a modicum of international controversy because of Seal Team Six’s decision to have actor Kiefer Sutherland fire the fatal shot.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the International Monetary Fund, is indicted on charges of sexual abuse and attempted rape. Strauss-Kahn had been a front-runner to succeed Nicolas Sarkozy as president of France. In light of the charges, he is immediately considered the front-runner to succeed Italian president Silvio Berlusconi.
Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announces his separation from wife Maria Shriver after 25 years of marriage. The subsequent divorce papers cite “infidelity” as the main reason for the split, mentioning that Schwarzenegger had fathered secret babies with his maid, the family babysitter, a local sports broadcaster, former WWE wrestler Chyna, his press secretary, and actor Tom Arnold.
Television mainstay America’s Most Wanted is cancelled by the Fox network after 23 years on the air and 1151 fugitives captured. The show is put back on the air after less than a month, however, when Rupert Murdoch’s wallet is stolen from a New York City Starbucks.
Professional wrestling great “Macho Man” Randy Savage dies of a heart attack at the age of 58. His wife blamed his death on the brutality of the wrestling business and the fifty-per-day Slim Jim diet that the company faithfully provided as part of his endorsement contract.
JUNE
The Dallas Mavericks defeat the Miami Heat in six games to win the NBA championship. The Mavericks’ improbable victory over the Heat came due to Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki’s strategy to have sex with Heat star LeBron James’s mother after the third quarter of every game.
The Boston Bruins defeat the Vancouver Canucks in seven games to win NHL’s Stanley Cup. In reaction, riots break out in the streets of Vancouver, thus establishing “losing at hockey” as the only thing that makes Canadians violently angry.
New York Congressman Anthony Weiner resigns after it is revealed he had sent pictures of his genitalia to female staffers over Twitter and Facebook. The internet momentarily implodes making “wiener” puns.
The state of New York legalizes same-sex marriage, becoming the largest state thus far to do so. Anti-gay activists’ fears are immediately fulfilled when New York concurrently proposes requiring all high schoolers to have “at least one gay experience” before earning a diploma.
A 600-square-mile wildfire spreads through eastern Arizona in the largest fire in the state’s history. Firefighters fail to extinguish the blaze, but do manage to convince it to move to New Mexico because of the milder weather and perceived availability of methamphetamines.
JULY
The Republic of South Sudan declares its independence from Sudan, forming Africa’s 785th nation. High school geography teachers in the United States are told to ignore the news, lest the district be forced to buy new maps.
NewsCorp CEO Rupert Murdoch shuts down London newspaper News of the World in response to a continuing investigation that the paper had engaged in phone hacking and police bribery in order to investigate stories. In the hopes of seeing a similarly drastic house-cleaning, an angry blogger at zazzumplop.com tells police that his phones were hacked by Us Weekly, People Magazine, and Cat Fancy.
After years of a vacillating sentiment between ridicule and apathy, society decides it loved singer Amy Winehouse all along.
Space Shuttle Atlantis completes its final mission, thus ending NASA’s decades-long Space Shuttle program. With no more Shuttle missions, American astronauts will no longer be able to use the line, “up like a rocket, in like a plane” when picking up women.
AUGUST
For the first time in its history, Standard & Poor’s downgrades the US’s credit rating from AAA to AA+. Americans are left only to wonder how much foreign cash they would have to destroy in order to drop down to a B.
Google acquires Motorola Mobility for $12.5 billion. Because Motorola Mobility owns over 17,000 patents, the acquisition gives Google a chance to join the cell-phone and tablet markets, as well as to finally perfect that in-car record player that gave Motorola its start.
Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann wins the Ames Straw Poll in Iowa with 4,823 votes. The remaining population of Iowa releases a formal statement to the other 49 states begging them not to kick Iowa out of the Union.
The people of London decide it’s their turn to riot in the streets. Rather than overthrow the government or reject the Royal Family, Londoners instead act out against perceived economic distress by destroying their own city. Surprisingly, the riots work — the burned buildings reveal a stockpile of gold bullion that is shared equally among all of England’s peasant class.
SEPTEMBER
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia grants women the right to vote. He cleverly never mentions whether women’s votes would be counted.
Contaminated cantaloupe from Colorado causes an outbreak of Listeria, killing at least 15. Fears of Listeria results in such a sharp decline in sales of Listerine that Johnson & Johnson renames its antiseptic mouthwash “Trichonosia”.
Hundreds of protestors rally near New York’s Wall Street in a peaceful-but-stubborn movement fittingly called “Occupy Wall Street”. When asked what cause they championed, protestors said that until economic indisparity, unethical practices by banks, shady lobbying in Washington, and government bailouts of large corporations come to an end, they would remain in Zuccotti Park. They are not expected to leave until the sun supernovas and destroys Earth.
The United States military officially ends its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy with regard to homosexuals. A majority of enlisted members support the decision to end the discriminatory practice, although many members’ personal “I’d Rather Not Hear About That” policies remain in effect.
OCTOBER
Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, dies of pancreatic cancer at the age of 56. Doctors had been notified of Jobs’s “20% Life Remaining” alert some time before, but were never able to find a suitable adapter.
Libyan president Moammar Qaddafi is captured and killed by rebel troops in his hometown of Surt. Brutal as the killing is, it is nothing compared to the argument that ensues regarding how to spell Qaddafi’s name on his tombstone.
European Union leaders led by Germany’s Angela Merkel and France’s Nicolas Sarkozy come to an agreement to help alleviate their ongoing financial crisis. Despite many safety nets, embattled Greece objects to the agreement, mostly due to the EU’s refusal to recognize feta as legal currency.
Fitting for a year that ends in a 1, the 2011 World Series is thrilling, with the St. Louis Cardinals defeating the Texas Rangers in seven games. Most credit for the victory goes to Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, who uses five different pitchers (and 52 minutes) to retire one batter, backup catcher Yorvit Torrealba.
NOVEMBER
Former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky is arrested on multiple counts of sexual abuse of minors. Sandusky is later acquitted by a Pennsylvania jury because of his role in the 1986 national championship season. Members of the 1986 Miami Hurricanes are later seen muttering, “yeah, we were the bad guys that year…”
Another casualty of the European financial crisis, Italian president Silvio Berlusconi steps down from office after his country is no longer able to pay off the debt it owes to Berlusconi’s prostitutes.
Dr. Conrad Murray is convicted of involuntary manslaughter for his role in the death of Michael Jackson. Murray is sentenced to four years in prison, which experts say is sure to deter him from administering recreational anesthetic to any more mentally unstable, super-rich clients he might have in the future.
Duke University’s Mike Krzyzewski overtakes Bob Knight as college basketball’s winningest head coach. The achievement forces trivia-question writers to consider what level of misspelling or mispronunciation would be acceptable. The consensus is that spelling “Shusheffsky” would be acceptable, but saying “Ker-zuh-zew-ski” would not.
DECEMBER
After a fifth woman comes forward with sexual harassment allegations, presidential hopeful Herman Cain suspends his campaign. In his announcement, Cain states, “if you wanna get through this recession, America, you’re gonna have to earn it. Now let me rub that Gulf of yours…”
By winning the Heisman Trophy, Baylor University quarterback Robert Griffin III becomes the first person in Waco to do something memorable since David Koresh.
An unknown asshole breaks down the door of the world’s greatest blogger and steals his MacBook, forcing him to tap out his beloved “Year in Review” post on an office computer. The public outcry is so intense that the perpetrator is found within weeks and is flayed alive by a mob of angry, knife-wielding intellectuals.
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Well, there you have it. Good riddance, twenty-eleven, you dickface. Welcome twenty-twelve, which shall give us the Olympics and… oh fuck — doomsday bullshit and a presidential election. It’s gonna be another long year.
-Darrell