January traditions are grand, aren’t they? Watching football, drinking heavily, and awaiting the annual parade of lies known affectionately as my Year in Review. Well, wait no more, little ones. To use a word I used last year without any idea that Roger Clemens would immortalize it, let’s misremember the past year.
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JANUARY
The 2008 Presidential primaries begin with the Iowa Caucuses, netting victories for Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee. Within weeks, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson, Duncan Hunter, Gary Coleman, Fred Thompson, Dennis Kucinich, Grant Fuhr, John Edwards, Rudy Giuliani, and Adlai Stevenson all drop out of their respective races. The field is thus culled to only seventeen Republicans and thirty-five Democrats.
Journeyman relief pitcher Goose Gossage is 2008’s only inductee into the Baseball Hall of Fame. With the induction comes new competition for Rollie Fingers for the Hall of Fame’s annual Best Bronze Mustache award.
Marion Jones is sentenced to six months in prison for injecting horse tranquilizers into her opponents during the Olympics. Her only defense: “It was just part of the culture; everybody needs that leg up on the competition.”
Months after filming his legendary performance in The Dark Knight, actor Heath Ledger is found dead of medication overdose. Ledger’s death leads many to call for abolition of the Screen Actors Guild’s strictly enforced “James Dean clause” in members’ contracts.
President Bush is absent for what would have been his final State of the Union address. Bush later explains, “Everybody knows yesterday was Senior Ditch Day; me and Cheney went fishin’.”
FEBRUARY
French President Nicolas Sarkozy marries model and mega-babe Carla Bruni. The French public can only speculate how gorgeous his mistresses must be.
Years of whining, making faces, and arguing with his players finally pay off for Eli Manning as he leads the New York Giants to defeat the 18-0 New England Patriots 17-14 in Super Bowl XLII. The incredible upset comes in spite of the fact that all game, Patriots coach Bill Belichick shined a laser pointer directly into Manning’s eyes.
In the superest of Super Tuesdays, 24 states (and American Samoa) hold their Republican and Democratic primaries. All primaries proceed without incident except in Alaska, whose population is too busy keeping an eye on Vladimir Putin.
Less than a week after Uber Tuesday, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney suspends his campaign to go back to his first love: directing gay porn.
The Writers Guild of America strike comes to an end, allowing original television production to resume. The resulting explosion of creativity from formerly dormant writers brings the world such gems as a TV version of preachy Oscar-winning film Crash and a hip, updated reimagining of Knight Rider.
Roger Clemens testifies to the Senate regarding his suspected steroid use. He is largely mum throughout his testimony, only saying, “If you want me to testify, I need 22 million dollars and a bucket of steroids.”
Toshiba ceases HD DVD production, giving Sony’s Blu-ray format control of the high-definition media market. The victory is due in large part to Sony’s specious smear campaign, which suggested that one in every four HD DVDs was infected with bird flu.
Cuban dictator Fidel Castro retires. The people of Cuba pool all their savings to purchase Castro an imitation Rolex watch.
No Country For Old Men wins the Academy Award for Best Picture. This was a surprise only to Golden Globe voters, who awarded Atonement for best drama, Sweeney Todd for best comedy, WALL-E for best robot-related animated feature, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry for best slapstick gay-panic shitfest.
Like the rat that jumps onto a burning ship, Ralph Nader announces his candidacy for the U.S. Presidency. Nader announces that this year’s two-party election is “too exciting”.
MARCH
Russia elects Dmitry Medvedev as its new president. Nothing actually changes in Russia, however, as former President Vladimir Putin remains in government as Prime Minister. Russia was forced to make the change due to the efforts of toy manufacturer Hasbro, who wished to have updated questions for Trivial Pursuit Genus 57.
Long-time Green Bay Packer Brett Favre retires. He spends the rest of the season at home with his family and nothing is heard from him again.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigns after it is found that for several months, he hired a $2000-per-hour prostitute. The most damaging news comes from the U.S. Court of Consumer Awareness, which charges Spitzer with 65 counts of overpaying.
Presidential candidate Barack Obama’s campaign takes a hit when video leaks of his former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, sopping his ball sweat with an American flag. Wright refuses to apologize and even calls the move a patriotic act, bringing attention to Old Glory’s superior powers of absorption.
The U.S. Department of Justice approves a merger between satellite radio companies XM and Sirius. Thinking it now has a monopoly, the mega-company hikes its rates by 400%, causing all customers to cancel their subscriptions. Within weeks, XM and Sirius both file for bankruptcy.
APRIL
The war in Iraq continues. Forgot about it, didn’t you?
For the first time ever, college basketball’s Final Four is composed of all four number-one seeds (North Carolina, UCLA, Memphis, and eventual champion Kansas). As a result, every office’s tournament pool is won by an employee’s six-year-old child.
Actor Wesley Snipes is jailed for tax evasion. Just before his appeal, Snipes escapes from prison with the help of Blade co-star Kris Kristofferson. A week later, the pair resurfaces with the infamous botched assassination attempt of Edgar Winter.
The Olympic torch travels across the world and is protested everywhere it goes. Most protesters took issue with host country China’s human-rights violations, while one protester simply screamed, “FIRE BAD!”
MAY
Barbara Walters admits to having had an affair with former Massachusetts Senator Edward Brooke. A day later, Walters admits to simultaneous affairs with Senators Ted Kennedy, Robert Byrd, and Strom Thurmond. She begins to give explicit details, but is beaten to death by everyone within earshot.
Big Brown wins the Kentucky Derby. In a post-race interview, Big Brown dedicates his victory to departed friend Barbaro, whose hooves were used to adhere the winning jockey’s visor to his helmet.
The federal government files yet another indictment of Barry Bonds for perjury and general jackassery. The new indictment comes after video evidence is found of Bonds injecting his biceps with rhino semen.
An earthquake in the Sichuan province of China kills over 69,000 people. All survivors in the province are arrested for making China look bad so close to the Olympics.
The Phoenix lander arrives on Mars, providing new looks of the Martian surface. Most surprising is the revelation that even on Mars, Ryan Seacrest has a television show.
JUNE
With a chance to win the Triple Crown for the first time since 1977, Big Brown comes up lame and finishes last in the Belmont Stakes. Horse-racing enthusiasts allege wrongdoing when they notice that just before the bugle call, Big Brown’s normal jockey is surreptitiously replaced by William “The Refrigerator” Perry.
Senator Barack Obama earns enough delegates to become the presumptive Democratic nominee for President. In her concession speech, a gracious Hillary Clinton tells her supporters, “Now let’s rally behind this surprisingly eloquent, black Senator, and under no circumstances should you vote for me as a write-in candidate on November 4th. And remember, Hillary has two Ls.”
Apple releases a new version of the iPhone, called the 3G, for Gloriously Gratuitous Gadget. While the iPhone’s previous incarnation worked only under Alltel networks in Northern Alabama, the 3G expands its area to all of Alabama and the panhandle of Oklahoma.
George W. Bush visits Europe for the last time as President. To mimic every American’s European experience, Bush travels by rail with only 50 euros and a pound of weed.
American brewery Anheuser-Busch is bought by InBev, a Belgian distributor. To assuage the fears of loyal customers, InBev representatives announce that Bud Light “will still have that familiar, crisp, wet-dog flavor that you’ve grown to love.”
Respected journalist Tim Russert dies. He will be remembered as a long-time host of Meet the Press, but chiefly as the last remaining fan of the Buffalo Bills.
In an 18-hole playoff, a limping, injured Tiger Woods defeats Rocco Mediate to win the U.S. Open. To rub it in further, Woods plays the entire back nine while blindfolded.
Jim Davis’s popular comic strip, Garfield, celebrates its thirtieth anniversary. In the anniversary strip, Jon Arbuckle finally shoots himself, leaving the rotund feline to consume his remains.
Bill Gates steps down as CEO of Microsoft, presumably in order to work full-time on his foundation. Curiously, however, Gates immediately moves to Mobile, Alabama, and purchases an iPhone 3G.
JULY
In a harbinger of economic woes to come, Starbucks closes 600 locations nationwide, forcing many Americans to drive slightly farther for a six-dollar cup of coffee. To prevent future closings, Starbucks announces that it will forbid locations from having a tip jar and instead round every purchase to the next dollar.
A U.S. court orders Google to divulge the IP addresses of all YouTube viewers to Viacom. Soon after analyzing the information, Viacom gives the “Chocolate Rain” guy his own show on VH-1.
Sisters Venus and Serena Williams both reach the finals at Wimbledon. However, the two do not play a match due to their father’s rule that they get along at all times.
In order to help save face in preparation for the Olympics, Chinese officials ban Beijing restaurants from serving dog meat. No such regulation is levied upon restaurants regarding meat derived from political prisoners.
Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight opens in theatres nationwide, shattering box-office records. The overwhelming popularity is credited to the fact that Katie Holmes is not in the cast.
AUGUST
Salim Hamdan, Osama Bin Laden’s former driver, is sentenced to 66 months in prison for turning right on a red light.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick jailed. During his perp walk, Kilpatrick tells reporters, “Don’t worry, Detroit. This will be far from the worst thing that’ll happen to you this year.”
In an extreme case of Olympic fever, the Russian military attacks Georgia in the region of South Ossetia in an effort to maim or kill Georgia’s top weightlifter.
Swimmer Michael Phelps becomes the first man to win eight gold medals in a single Olympics. Within hours, Phelps also becomes the strongest argument against getting to know Olympic athletes as people.
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt wins gold in the 100-meter dash, shattering his own world record. Many accuse him of showboating for pulling up at the end of the race, but ignore the sheer rudeness of the Dutchman who won silver while running backward.
The U.S. Olympic basketball team defeats Spain to win its first gold medal since 2000. Conventional wisdom attributes the win to teamwork and hustle. This picture is in sharp contrast with the bronze medal-winning team from 2004, which was hampered by on-court knife fights.
Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama introduces Delaware Senator Joe Biden as his running mate. Obama states that Biden was chosen for his experience, candor, and “smokin’ wife”.
Not to be outdone, Republican nominee John McCain announces Alaska Governor and political neophyte Sarah Palin as his running mate. Republicans consider the move bold, Democrats consider it desperate, and the rest of the country imagines having a threesome with Palin and Tina Fey.
SEPTEMBER
In an interview with Katie Couric, Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin shows her political inexperience with an inability to name newspapers. While Palin is far from polished, many criticize Couric’s journalistic ethics, particularly for her “Abimbosayswhat?” line of questioning.
A high-school kid from Alaska gets invited to the Republican National Convention just for knocking up his girlfriend.
Despite widespread paranoia, scientists in a lair somewhere beneath Geneva power up the Large Hadron Collider. According to scientists, the machine works wonderfully, smashing particles at such a speed that it creates a miniature black hole, destroying all of Switzerland. Swiss outside the black hole remain stoic, in agreement that while their home and countrymen may have been destroyed, at least it was for science.
The Dow Jones plunges 777 points in a single day. Fortunately, nobody knows what that means.
John McCain and Sarah Palin agree to yet another ill-advised interview with Katie Couric. When questioned about Palin’s qualifications, McCain simply states, “She’s a maverick just like me; that’s all the qualification I need.” In response, the Obama campaign releases a new slogan: “You can’t have two loose cannons in a buddy movie. Vote Obama — because even Mel Gibson needed Danny Glover.”
OCTOBER
Former NFL star and probable double-murderer O.J. Simpson is convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping. At his sentencing, Simpson asks the judge for clemency, stating, “I didn’t know that pointing a gun at people to take back items I had already sold to them was in any way illegal.” When the judge tells Simpson that he just defined armed robbery, Simpson is heard muttering, “I knew I should have just murdered them.”
The Tampa Devil Rays win the American League pennant by defeating the Boston Red Sox in seven games. Superstitious types credit the Rays’ victory to ownership’s decision to eliminate the “Bay” from their team name, thus making it geographically accurate.
The Devil Rays’ run comes to an end when they are defeated by the National League champion Philadelphia Phillies in five games. With nothing else to berate them about, Phillies fans boo their team for not winning the Series in a four-game sweep.
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is convicted of corruption charges, resulting in jail time. In prison, the Senator is introduced forcefully to his fellow prisoners in a ritual they nickname “the series of tubes”.
In an effort to distract voters by suddenly adding a minor celebrity to the national consciousness, Senator John McCain invokes the name of “Joe the Plumber”, a man in Ohio who asked Senator Obama a question at a rally. Rather than analyze the subject of that question, the national press instead finds that “Joe the Plumber” lives in Ohio, isn’t actually a licensed plumber, has outstanding traffic tickets in four states, once contributed $20 to the American Communist Party, and has purchased a handle of Wild Turkey every Wednesday for the past twelve years.
Increasingly desperate, Senator John McCain ramps up his image as a maverick by getting into a public fistfight with his own running mate, Sarah Palin. The fracas lasts for twenty minutes, as McCain’s entire campaign staff lacked the desire to break it up.
NOVEMBER
Barack Obama wins the Electoral College, making him the 44th President of the United States. The next day, Senator Hillary Clinton announces her candidacy for President in 2012.
California passes Proposition 8, which outlaws homosexuals from marrying, cohabitating, and composing house music. The bill’s somewhat surprising passage comes due to overwhelming support from the Mormon Church, which is known for its traditional approach to marriage.
The Calgary Stampeders defeat Montreal Alouettes 22-14 to win the 96th Grey Cup. The news causes Americans to think, “Holy shit, Canadian football has been around for 96 years?”
President-Elect Obama announces that his pick for the new Secretary of Defense will be current Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. In Obama’s words, “I’m so tired of choosing people. Keep Gates… whatever.”
The day after Thanksgiving continues its reign as the biggest shopping day of the year. Due to economic woes, Black Friday profits are down overall, but on the bright side, only three people are killed.
Radical Islamic terrorists perform coordinated attacks throughout the Indian city of Mumbai. A spokesman for the terrorists states that their goal was to encourage Bollywood filmmakers to make darker, more violent movies.
DECEMBER
CEOs of the “Big Three” American automakers arrive at Congress in tattered clothes, asking for $50 billion to save the country. The act does not fool Congress, though, because the executives’ private planes were still parked at the Capitol steps.
The Georgia Senatorial election is forced to a run-off between incumbent Saxby Chambliss and challenger Jim Martin. The run-off comes due to a law exclusive to Georgia, which has a strict “two victories” requirement for all candidates with silly names.
The Senatorial election in Minnesota also finds no immediate victor, as the race between incumbent Norm Coleman and C-grade comedian Al Franken is too close to call. Franken initially had no chance in the election until the publication of his vitriolic book, Norm Coleman is a Stupid Poophead Who Will Rape Your Children.
NBC announces that while Conan O’Brien will still inherit the Tonight Show in June 2009, Jay Leno will stay on to host essentially the same show at 10 PM Eastern. To further strengthen its future stranglehold on obvious, bland humor, NBC cancels its entire lineup and gives daily primetime shows to Tyler Perry and Tony Danza.
To conclude a year riddled with corrupt politicians, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich lands in hot water when he is recorded attempting to sell Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat. Blagojevic avoids legal trouble, however, because “being from Illinois” is considered an absolute defense to charges of corruption.
Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al Zaidi throws his shoes at still-President Bush during a press conference. The President deftly ducks both shoes, preserving “spryness” as the only remaining positive quality of his presidency.
The Detroit Lions complete the impossible by finishing the 2008 season 0-16, the worst record in NFL history. Lions quarterback and future Hall-of-Famer Dan Orlovsky credits “a strong desire to be remembered and Jesus” for his legendary play.
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Phew, that took awhile. I guess there’s just something about round, fat, even-numbered years. Nonetheless, I welcome 2009 as (hopefully) the last year we’ll refer to with the words “two thousand”. Bring it on, two thousand nine.
-Darrell