2006: Year in Review
January 3rd, 2007That time has come again. The spheroid on which we live has made another revolution around the sun and again reached that arbitrary point in space (relative to the sun) known somewhat cryptically as January First. During that revolution, a lot happened in the news and in our personal lives. Rather than focus on that, though, allow me to review the year in a way of my own choosing. A more interesting, engaging, falsified way. Let us begin.
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JANUARY
The Texas Longhorns defeat the USC Trojans in a thrilling comeback to win the Rose Bowl and the national championship. Texas is later stripped of their victory because Vince Young earned a zero on the analogy portion of his SAT.
Muslims continue to riot after a Danish newspaper publishes cartoons depicting Marmaduke driving a city bus. Said one spokesman, “It’s unnatural, and it’s just not funny. Also, we’re sick of Cathy. We get it — she’s fat. Praise be to Allah.”
Kobe Bryant scores 81 points against the Toronto Raptors. The leaked police report states that the Raptors consented for him to score only 40 points.
Samuel Alito is confirmed to replace Sandra Day O’Connor as Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, and as starting pitcher for the Supreme Court softball team. Like O’Connor, Alito was chosen for his conservative ideals and his filthy rising fastball.
FEBRUARY
The Pittsburgh Steelers win Super Bowl XL in Detroit. Retiring Pittsburgh running back and Detroit native Jerome Bettis was named game MVP due to the NFL’s new “may the most touching story win” policy. For Super Bowl XLI, analysts predict the winner to be either the New Orleans Saints (due to Hurricane Katrina) or the New York Giants (because Tom Coughlin lacks binocular vision).
While on a quail hunt, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shoots friend Harry Whittington in the face. Cheney admitted that prior to the incident, he had consumed two cans of Bud Light and three ounces of LSD. “My normal shit makes me shoot better,” claimed the Vice President, “but I guess I accidentally grabbed the batch that makes dudes look like birds.” Cheney apologized for the mistake, but held firm to his belief that Whittington was “flapping about” far too much.
The mainstream media announces that the Winter Olympics have opened in Torino, Italy. American medalists include athletes from Schenectady, Nuovo York; Charleston, La Virginie Occidental; and Yellow, Tejas.
MARCH
Former Yugoslavian dictator Slobodan Milosevic is found dead in his cell. He is buried in the mass grave the UN has set aside for deceased war criminals. With Milosevic’s death, the title of Cuddliest-Looking Dictator passes to Turkmenistan’s President for Life, Saparmurat Niyazov.
Washington lobbyist and notorious hat-wearer Jack Abramoff is indicted on fraud and bribery charges. Investigations revealed repeated instances of vote-buying from Congressmen both Democratic and Republican. Abramoff would later use these votes to pass HR-1742, which made it unconstitutional to convict any man named Abramoff of a crime.
The inaugural World Baseball Classic ends. Since no one in America cared about it, there exists no record of who won. So for the first time ever, allow me officially to congratulate South Africa for their baseball championship.
APRIL
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces to the world that he has enriched uranium, and that he wishes to trade it with someone for a Playstation 3.
A media bonanza surrounds the birth of celebrity baby Smapdi Jolie-Cruise. Initial reports state that the child’s fragile skull emits a light that supplies all within sight with feelings of calm and happiness. Entertainment media accuracy is called into question, however, when this phenomenon later turns out to be a minor case of rosacea.
Alleged “twentieth hijacker” Zacarias Moussaoui is sentenced to life in prison. After the sentencing, Moussaoui was seen muttering, “All this because I missed a flight…”
MAY
Immigrant protests flood the streets of major American cities. Most interesting are the Swedish immigrant protests in the Midwest, which demanded that the American people listen to more death metal.
Al Gore’s global-warming documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, opens in theatres nationwide. It becomes the highest-grossing film to be released by a former Vice President since Spiro Agnew’s 1979 film, Cum-Sluts on the Hill.
World events take a week off in mid-May to “recharge [their] batteries”. After the vacation ends, all world leaders and celebrities have healthy tans, but complain of a troublesome rash.
JUNE
William Buffet donates $30 billion to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The money is later used to ensure that poverty-stricken people the world over will be forced to purchase Windows Vista.
The Miami Heat defeat the Dallas Mavericks to win the NBA Finals. Heat guard Dwyane Wade wins the Finals MVP award and NBA Referees’ most preferred player status. Dwyane Wade is also recognized for having the least phonetic name in the Finals (narrowly defeating Dirk Nowitzki).
The Supreme Court rules that certain activities done in the Guantanamo Bay detainment facility were illegal. The list included military commissions without habeas corpus, holding American citizens indefinitely, and showing episodes of Suddenly Susan on movie nights.
JULY
Israeli troops invade Lebanon in response to a series of Hezbollah-led kidnappings. Homes are destroyed, people are killed, but thankfully, Fats Domino is unharmed.
An American again wins the Tour de France, but this time it’s done the American way — with elevated testosterone levels. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Italy wins the 2006 FIFA World Cup by defeating France, 3-2. French superstar Zinny Zindedade Zindadane received a red card in this, his final match, for biting off the Italian goalie’s scrotum.
AUGUST
British police foil a terrorist plot to detonate liquid explosives on an aircraft. America’s natural response is to develop a fierce distrust of mouthwash.
The solar system shrinks to eight planets when Uranus secedes. In a press release, the planet said that it was “tired of all the jokes”.
Grigori Perelman is awarded the Fields Medal for proving the Poincare conjecture. Perelman refuses the medal, however, because the committee still has not recognized the work of Pete Rose.
SEPTEMBER
The long-standing, violent rivalry between Australians and cartilaginous sea life rears its head again when Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is killed by a stingray’s barb. Presumably as part of a retaliation, Russell Crowe is later seen fistfighting a hammerhead shark.
Tainted Spinach, a punk band from Missoula, goes on a twenty-state tour. Due to the concert tradition of pelting the stage with pre-bagged spinach, local grocery stores cannot keep it on the shelves long enough.
In an effort to create a one-stop source for crappy television programming, UPN and the WB combine to form the CW. Former WB spokesman Michigan J. Frog returns to his original job as a bottler of hallucinogenics.
Congressman Mark Foley (R-FL) resigns after it is revealed that he exchanged explicit sexual emails with a Congressional page. His fellow Congressmen are outraged that a colleague of theirs had learned how to use the internet.
OCTOBER
North Korea announces that it has completed its first nuclear test. While many fear that this was an aggressive military move, it is soon discovered that the test was only part of an elaborate stunt by Kim Jong-il to convince Michael Jordan to visit Pyongyang.
Google purchases YouTube for $1.65 billion. As a result, that “Numa Numa” guy receives a check for $0.14 in the mail.
Led by future Hall-of-Famers Jeff Suppan, David Eckstein, and Yadier Molina, the St. Louis Cardinals win the 2006 World Series. Soon after, the Cardinals roster is dismantled and all players are given multi-year contracts with the Yankees and Red Sox.
NOVEMBER
The Democratic Party regains control of both houses of Congress in the midterm elections for the first time since 1994. The Democrats won by noting that every Rob Schneider movie was released during the Republicans’ reign.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announces his resignation. Much like John Elway and Jerry Seinfeld, he just wanted to go out on top.
Former Seinfeld star Michael Richards begins his hilarious and revolutionary new stand-up act on race relations. As a reference to the most popular line of his act, fans of Richards are spotted all over major cities with forks protruding from their backsides.
DECEMBER
Saparmurat Niyazov, Turkmenistan’s President for Life, steps down from the presidency the only way possible. With so many dying, Cuddliest Dictator status passes to Fidel Castro, making him the first three-time holder of the title.
Former President Gerald Ford dies at the senseless age of 93. (I couldn’t resist.)
Continuing the December theme of dying world leaders, former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is executed by hanging. His body is soon hung in the town square of his hometown of Tikrit, where locals are given the opportunity to beat him with sticks, releasing the delicious candy inside.
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A particularly morbid Year in Review this time around, I see. I guess years that end in six aren’t so great.
-Darrell