A Nameless Blog

Happy New Year, loyal readers.  I’m back.  Again, I’m sorry for the extended absence, but flu + the worst case of tonsilitis ever = no condition for writing or doing much of anything, really.  I’m finally at almost 100% for the first time all year (seriously).  Thanks for the well-wishes from all two of you.

Enough of that.  The blog has business to do.  The year has begun, which means that I must spend my first post taking a look at the year that just passed.  2008 may be upon us, but we shan’t forget the most syllabic year of the decade.  Besides, what better way to celebrate a new year than with dozens of bad one-liners?  Now, let’s mis-remember the past.

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JANUARY

The year begins with a new Democratic Congress entering Washington, as well as the swearing-in of Nancy Pelosi, the first Speaker of the House to be part poodle.  The Democrats take advantage of their new mandate by taking a nap, then clearing brush from the Capitol garden.

Apple enters the mobile world with the release of its iPhone.  Apple lovers are outraged, however, when they find that its telephonic capabilities only work with the Alltel network of northern Alabama.  Said Steve Jobs, “We have a great partnership with Alltel, so we want our customers to be as loyal to them as they are to us.  The Alabama part we’re doing just because we can.”  In related news, Alabama is expected to have 83 electoral votes in the 2012 presidential election.

President Bush announces that as part of a massive surge, he will send 900 million more troops into Iraq.  When told that this figure triples the entire U.S. population, Bush asks his generals to “make it work”.

In furtherance of efforts to prove that their city is the dumbest and most materialistic on the planet, Los Angeles’s soccer team agrees to pay aging, injured soccer player David Beckham $1 million every week for five years.  When asked why, an unnamed LA Galaxy owner stated, “He’ll be worth it — he was outstanding five years ago, and I hear that he’s like, the Pele of soccer or something.”

Microsoft hosts a gala event in New York to celebrate the launch of its new operating system, Windows Vista.  Replete with modern dancers hanging off skyscrapers accompanied by a performance by pan-flautist Zamfir, the event was splendorous.  However, partygoers quickly run out of punch, the restrooms are deemed unclean, and about 60% of attendees report that the party is much slower and more frustrating than they expected.

FEBRUARY

The Indianapolis Colts win the Super Bowl.  Upon being asked “What are you going to do now?”, head coach Tony Dungy responds, “I’m going to Disneyland to tell everyone that gays shouldn’t marry!”

Former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith is found dead at the age of 29.  Media personality Nancy Grace is soon seen having sex with Smith’s corpse.

The U.S. Senate threatens to gut the American space program in response to a rash of astronaut-perpetrated crimes.  Most notable is Lisa Nowak’s ten-state spree where, driving a Ford Festiva filled with mace, chains, and various thicknesses of rubber tubing, Nowak targets current and former girlfriends of NASA personnel.  Nowak is charged with three counts of kidnapping and one count of first-degree murder for the killing of Neil Armstrong’s ex-mistress.

After going unrecognized for such hits as Goodfellas and The Aviator, an Oscar is finally awarded to Al Gore.

MARCH

Media giant Viacom sues Google and YouTube, seeking $1 billion for mental suffering after finding out that LonelyGirl15 is actually an actress in an episodal series.

Van Halen is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, though only ex-members Michael Anthony and Sammy Hagar attend the induction.  However, a confused David Lee Roth arrives at the induction site a week later.

Major League relief pitcher Ugueth Urbina is sentenced to fourteen months in Venezuelan prison for attacking five farm workers with a machete and dousing them with gasoline.  During his deposition, Urbina is quoted, “We were playing stickball and they were crowding the plate.  You play with fire, you get set on fire.”

APRIL

Seung-Hui Cho murders 32 people and wounds many more on the campus of Virginia Polytechnic Institute.  Media members attempt to find a motive for such monstrosity, eventually blaming Hollywood, Tetris, and mixed reviews of Cho’s Broadway musical Richard McBeef.

Syndicated radio host Don Imus sparks nationwide controversy for calling tennis star Maria Sharapova a “Russkie beanpole”.  He is fired from his position despite his public and personal apology to Vladimir Putin. 

Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich introduces articles to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney.  Kucinich quickly rescinds the articles when he is told that “grumpiness” is not an impeachable offense.

Abortion is legalized in Mexico City.  Finally, the world has a safe place to get an abortion.

MAY

A tornado destroys over 90% of the town of Greensburg, Kansas, killing twelve.  In a curious move, televangelist Jerry Falwell announces that the disaster was God’s wrath upon Kansas for not having enough gay people. 

A mere ten days after the Greensburg tornado, God’s wrath extends to Jerry Falwell himself.  A spokeswoman from Heaven assures his followers that he is given a very nice room, though it is rumored that the room next door will be reserved for Larry Flynt.

French right-wing leader Nicholas Sarkozy defeats Socialist candidate Segolene Royal to become the new President of France.  Many first thought Sarkozy to be unelectable due to his pro-American stance, as well as the fact that he had only three mistresses at election time.

After Phoenix Suns Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leave the bench to engage in a scuffle, NBA Commissioner David Stern suspends the two for game 6 of their playoff game against San Antonio.  Upon hearing the angry words from Phoenix management, media, and fans, Stern levies further punishment by announcing that if any Phoenix resident wishes to attend a future NBA game, “he or she must first eat a bowl of my shit”.

JUNE

As the result of a multi-year sting operation, the Minnesota Airport Police finally nab Idaho Senator Larry Craig for asking a man to have sex with him.  When asked what was next in their plans, Airport Police Chief Mark Rosenow said, “We hear that Harry Reid has a nasty jaywalking habit.  If he ever does it at the Minneapolis Airport, his ass is ours.”

British PM Tony Blair leaves Ten Downing Street for rival replacement Gordon Brown.  Despite his close relationship with Blair, President Bush is delighted about the change because ‘Gordie’ is “a really fun nickname”.

The Anaheim Ducks defeat the Ottawa Senators in five games to win the Stanley Cup.  The Game 5 victory was sealed when playoff MVP Scott Niedermayer scored the go-ahead goal with his patented “knuckle-puck” slapshot technique.  This was Anaheim’s first Stanley Cup, as well as the first for head coach Emilio Estevez.

In the worst of many indiginities to the ECW brand, WWF wrestler Chris Benoit decides that he would rather murder his family than win the ECW championship belt. 

JULY

Democratic presidential candidate Mike Gravel continues to poll badly, but is named the 2007 Conceptual Artist of the Year by the Vertical Pink Mattress Society for his series of unique and popular web videos.

In an effort to slow global warming and energy waste, rock stars the world over convene in nine major cities to hold nine simultaneous concerts, collectively known as Live Earth.  Organizers have used the same philosophy in previous events, such as the Great Wheat Field Blaze to End Hunger and the anti-AIDS Used-Syringe Giveaway.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final book in the series, is released worldwide.  While not mentioned in the pages of the book, author J.K. Rowling soon announces that Albus Dumbledore was gay, and that Severus Snape was allergic to shellfish.

Iraq wins its first Asian Cup soccer championship.  When asked what their secret was, MVP Younis Mahmoud said, “not living in Iraq”.

AUGUST

Barry Bonds enters the annals of baseball stardom when for the 756th time, he makes a bat boy cry, breaking the previous record held by Ty Cobb.

In other momentous sports news, Michael Vick wins his sixth consecutive championship in the International Pit Bull Fighting League.  In the post-fight press conference, Vick thanked his family, Jesus, and his patented “rape stand” for his continued success.

Alberto Gonzalez inadvertently steps down as Attorney General when he forgets to show up for work.  Upon attempting to return, Gonzalez is asked about many alleged misdeeds during his tenure.  The stress of the questioning reactivates his amnesia, forcing him to step down once again.

General David Petraeus reports to Congress that President Bush’s surge is working, despite meeting only 6 of the 18 benchmarks that Petraeus himself conceived.  In his testimony, Petraeus stated, “It’s like that Meat Loaf song — six out of eighteen ain’t bad, heh heh.”  When some Senators expressed confusion about Petraeus’s apparent Bush-ism, they quickly found President Bush hiding in the gallery, throwing his voice in the style of Senor Wences.

SEPTEMBER

Alleged pop star Britney Spears is stripped of custody of her children when she is photographed purchasing toys imported from China.

Luciano Pavarotti, one of the finest voices of our generation, dies at the age of 71.  Out of respect, writers at Late Night with Conan O’Brien cross out Pavarotti’s name on all 721 of their stock fat jokes and replace it with Kirstie Alley’s.

Originally priced at $600, Apple cuts the price of its iPhone to $400 and transfers its network availability from northern Alabama to southern Alabama.  “Yes, we’re fucking with you,” said a drunk Steve Jobs.

Fanatical Muslim ignorance seems to surface once again when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tells a Columbia University audience that Iran has no homosexuals.  Several weeks later, however, it is revealed that the translator made an error and that Ahmadinejad actually said that Iran had no fairies or pixies, referring to the fictional sprites.  The translator is subsequently forced to attend sensitivity training and to apologize to Jesse Jackson.

Moonlighting from his normal gig of searching for the real killers, former NFL star O.J. Simpson joins a Las Vegas task force to combat counterfeit and stolen sports memorabilia.  Simpson is relieved of his duties less than a week later when he stabs a man accused of forging Pete Rose’s signature.

Normally awarded to individuals who display great bravery and selflessness, the Congressional Medal of Honor is awarded to the entire Blackwater Worldwide company for “going above and beyond the call of duty” and “keeping the Iraqi people in control without regard for normal U.S. military protocol”.  In his acceptance speech, Blackwater co-founder Erik Prince said, “It just goes to show you — the best people to send into a war zone are the people who really love being there.”

OCTOBER

Former Vice President Al Gore is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his ongoing fight to discourage use of incandescent bulbs, which have burned the hands of millions worldwide.

After admitting to using performance-enhancing drugs, American track star Marion Jones surrenders her five Olympic medals.  Jones quickly recovers from this embarrassment when she joins the cast of NBC’s new American Gladiators.  Initial reports suggest that for her stage name, she is considering Jumper, Doper, and Rage.

A young boy playing with matches causes massive fires in southern California that force hundreds of thousands of evacuations and millions of dollars in damages.  After investigating further into the boy’s life, the California legislature bans sale of all copies of Arson Hero for the XBox 360.

NOVEMBER

The Writers Guild of America goes on strike, halting production of nearly every film and television program.  Publicly, the WGA states that they seek a cut of networks’ revenues from digital media.  Inside sources, however, say that the real reason for the strike is that the writers for 24 want more time to decide what the fuck they’re doing.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf dissolves his Supreme Court and declares a national state of emergency, mostly because he was in danger of losing governmental power.  President Bush condemns the move, but is later seen asking Musharraf, “Okay, now how’d you do that?”

Continuing his award-filled year, former Vice President Al Gore wins the Best New Artist Latin Grammy for his album of duets with Jose Feliciano.

DECEMBER

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez unsuccessfully attempts to alter his country’s constitution to allow him lifetime rule and unlimited refills at the Caracas Orange Julius.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is announced as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, despite Al Gore’s efforts to rig the publication’s voting system.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sentenced to 23 months in prison for dog fighting.  To his advisors, Vick is heard to say, “First I have to electrocute my best bitch for losing, and now this?  Life ain’t fair.”

The political world is stunned when it is revealed that several former U.S. Senators used performance-enhancing drugs in the 1990s.  Most notable on the report were Senators George Mitchell (steroids), Trent Lott (brain-tonic toupee), Daniel Patrick Moynihan (roofies), Robert Byrd (diet pills), and Strom Thurmond (formaldehyde).

In a terrible day (among many) for democracy in the Middle East, Pakistani opposition leader Benazir Bhutto is assassinated.  In the United States, the assassination is mentioned between hour-long reports about Britney Spears’s latest stint in rehab.

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That was our year.  Tumultuous, no?  2007, I’d miss you were you more than an arbitrary number.  May 2008 grace us with as much nonsense as its predecessor.

-Darrell

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