25 Things You (Wish You) Never Knew About Me
February 11th, 2009If you’re on Facebook, you might have noticed a recent trend. People have been writing notes entitled “25 Things About Me” and tagging 25 people on such notes in order to encourage them to write one of their own. As you know, I’ve always been one to follow trends and to give in to imagined peer pressure. Let’s begin.
25 Things About Darrell
1. I have a blog (www.zazzumplop.com) that is probably the single greatest contribution anyone has ever made to humanity.
2. Corrolary to number 1, I daily receive death threats from people complaining that I don’t write on my blog enough.
3. Before I had my blog, I was a regular contributor to Salon.com. I wrote an advice column under the pseudonym Jermaine O’Feel. All archives of the column have been expunged due to legal matters that I am prohibited from detailing.
4. I am a lover of the outdoors, but I’m a terrible hunter, as my game can hear me sneeze from a mile away.
5. I love sushi, but remain suspicious of the Japanese people.
6. Due to a genetic defect, I was born with a malformed third arm coming out of my back. Its surgical removal was a gift from my mother for my fourteenth birthday.
7. I was a competitive juggler in high school, but was forced to hang up the pins when I tore my rotator cuff. I’m mostly healed now, but I still can’t toss accurately with my right arm, so don’t ask me to juggle, okay?
8. I once lost a game of Risk to a trained bear. I hate that game to this day.
9. Until I was ten years old, I thought snow was as mythical as dragons or unicorns.
10. I’ve long thought that “Rick Buttsex” would be a great name for a local TV weatherman.
11. I am pastaphobic — just driving by an Olive Garden makes my blood pressure spike.
12. The best gift I’ve ever given to a girlfriend was an autographed photo of Ryan Stiles (she was a big Whose Line is it Anyway? fan). I never told her that it wasn’t actually Ryan Stiles’s signature.
13. I’ve never had a threesome, but I have had sex with a dog in the room.
14. I have commissioned three different fashion designers to design a hat that doesn’t make me look twelve. That’s three wasted commissions.
15. I once called the fire department because I ran out of beer. Since it was a slow day, the firemen were cool about it. They even brought a passel of women, thus proving the theory that firemen are great at getting tail.
16. My toes are insured for $3 million by Lloyd’s of London. There’s nothing special about my toes, but if a safe ever falls on them, hoo boy…
17. When I was four, I invented the corkscrew. When my father told me that it had already been invented, I threw a tantrum that lasted two days.
18. Even though I never played, I have had a recurring dream in which I am a concert violinist. The dream always ends with my hands melting onto the stage. I have no idea what it means.
19. I have many friends, but I can only trust the ones whose names start with consonants. Nothing against them; it’s just a superstition.
20. I have the strength of ten men.
21. Most people think I have blue eyes, but that’s just the color of the contact lenses I wear. My actual irises are almost completely colorless. It tends to unnerve people when I show them.
22. I have trouble going through metal detectors at airports because I have a bullet lodged in my right thigh. One of these days I’ll go to a doctor to have it removed, but it’s been okay for over three years, so I’m in no hurry.
23. The closest I ever came to being a professional writer was when a script I wrote was bought in order to be re-worked as an episode of Emily’s Reasons Why Not with Heather Graham. My dream died after the show got cancelled after one episode.
24. On a bet, I once subsisted for a full week on only beer and oyster crackers. It was the toughest eight dollars I ever earned.
25. I’m the most interesting person I know.
There ya go. I hope you all appreciate me just a little more now.
-Darrell