A Nameless Blog

Ah, what a glorious day.  I’m twenty-five years old, the sun is shining, and I have fresh in my mind one of the worst movies ever made.  Last night, some friends and I watched an old VHS of a 1989 movie called Nukie.  If you aren’t familiar, you’re missing out on some hilarious cinematic incompetence. 

You see, it’s about a couple of aliens who live among the stars (played by slowly rotting foam-rubber puppets that look like a cross between E.T. and Karl Malden).  These aliens, Nukie and Miko, somehow crash land on Earth.  The only problem is that Miko crash landed at NASA (referred only as “Space Foundation” for some reason) where the selfish scientists held him and did horrible experiments on him.  Meanwhile, Nukie is in Africa where he encounters friendly twin boys, a bland nun, and at least five talking chimps.  The movie follows Nukie’s journey across Africa as he tries (and fails) to find America.  It’s even better than it sounds.

I won’t get into any further detail, as someone has already beaten me to it.  That review looks at things far too negatively, however, for Nukie is an utter joy to watch.  Yes, it’s stupid and horribly made.  Yes, as Adam says, it was clearly made by confused Germans.  But there’s something wonderful about watching such a horrendous piece of shit.

I have deliberately watched bad movies since high school, when I hosted a double feature of Plan 9 from Outer Space and Sinbad of the Seven Seas, starring Lou Ferrigno.  I have seen both of those monstrosities at least twice more since, each time exposing a new group of friends to true idiocy.  What’s amazing is that nearly all who have seen the suckitude of these films are glad they did.

I’m by no means a bad-movie connoisseur, but I’ve seen my share.  I’ve seen enough to know what separates a good bad movie from just a bad one.  Armageddon is a bad movie, but there’s nothing fun about watching it.  Videodrome is a horrible movie, but not for lack of skill — it’s just appalling, paranoid nonsense.  Those movies just suck.  The truly bad movies are the ones made with such love, care, and skill that it’s a wonder that nobody involved in shooting ever held up a hand and said, “Um, none of this makes sense.”  These are the movies that are so bad, you can’t bring yourself to hate them.  But let me be more specific.  I’ve noticed a few common traits among the best of the bad that I wouldn’t mind sharing.  Let’s get started.

BAD ACTING: I’ve mentioned wooden acting already, which is great.  I love it when a supposedly emotional line is recited like the actor is reading it for the first time.  What’s better, though, is overacting.  Watch for Jafar’s “HA!” in Sinbad of the Seven Seas and you’ll see what I mean.

PAINFULLY STUPID MESSAGES: Ed Wood was the master of preachy, overwrought bullshit.  Not only did we learn about the dangers of nuclear proliferation in Plan 9 (lesson: don’t let aliens raise the recently deceased in an effort to blow up the sun), but he was way ahead of his time in fighting for transvestites’ rights (lesson: don’t judge Ed Wood just because he likes pink angora sweaters.  He’s a man!  With FEELINGS!).  In fact, nearly every great bad movie has a sappy message to it.  Billy Jack says don’t mess with Native Americans; Southland Tales says that George W. Bush will turn us into a police state; and of course, Nukie taught us that poking needles into aliens was ethically reprehensible.  All life lessons that otherwise never would have been around to nauseate me.

CHEAP SETS: Another Ed Wood specialty — he famously used the same furniture in indoor and outdoor scenes for Plan 9.  A cheap set is funny for two reasons: first, it takes you out of the movie — in other words, it reminds you that you’re watching a movie.  Second, it tells you that the people making the movie lack the time, money, and concern to make a more believable movie.  So when the bad guy in the second Left Behind movie angrily slams his fists against his airplane’s wall, causing the ceiling lights to shake on their supports, all I can do is laugh.

BAD SPECIAL EFFECTS: This is a given.  From the string on Ed Wood’s UFO to Polonia brothers’ puppetry to the greenscreen laser staircase that shoots out of Gene Simmons’s eyes, it’s all marvelous.

HORRENDOUS WRITING: Writing a movie involves a lot of steps.  The screenwriter goes through countless rewrites; the director edits as he sees fit; the actors rehearse and add their own notes and intonations; the editor finally decides which takes and which lines are the best ones that make it to the final cut.  So how does a line like “Sinbad, who I hate more than hate itself” get all the way through that process?  Here’s one from The Room: “I got the results of the test back.  I definitely have breast cancer.”  The kicker to that one is that the female lead’s mother says that, appropos of nothing, then never mentions it again.

COMPLETE LACK OF LOGIC: Is there a reason Ace Frehley only squawks like a bonobo in Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park (I mean, besides cocaine)?  How is it that Lou Ferrigno can tame a pit full of snakes, assure them that he won’t hurt them, then tie them together and use them as a rope to pull himself to freedom?  On a day when its alien captive is free and forcing its head researcher to dance like a clown, how is it that the narrator can say, “Space Foundation.  Nothing unusual to report.”?  How exactly does raising the recently deceased figure into exploding “everything that the sunlight touches”?  And why, god, why does Nukie have so much trouble finding America when he can turn himself into a ball of light and fly across the universe in seconds?

WHAT-WAS-THE-FUCKING-PURPOSE-OF-THAT MOMENTS: The best bad movies will make me yell, “What was the fucking purpose of that?!?” at least five times.  That’s why The Room might be the worst movie ever made.  In addition to the aforementioned breast-cancer line, we have a drug dealer that serves no purpose, the introduction of new characters in the third act who deliver one unnecessary line (eliciting the related, “Who the fuck is that?!?”), and the most awkward sex scene in history — TWICE.  I’m not kidding — we get to see the same sex scene again, purportedly happening the following night.  It says a lot about their sexual adventurousness when their fuckings are shot-for-shot replicas of each other.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  I want your favorites.  I think I mentioned most of mine over the course of this post, but let me know if I’ve forgotten one.  Let’s liven up these comment threads.

-Darrell

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