A Nameless Blog

As you know, I’ve been in something of a rut creatively.  Coming up with new ideas for the blog is tough when you have all these self-imposed restrictions: no personal minutiae, nothing unoriginal, etc.  Today I realized an entire genre of writing that I’ve ignored this entire time: Star Wars fan fiction.

It’s such a rich subgenre, I couldn’t resist dipping my toe in the water.  Granted, I’m not a Star Wars fan.  I’ve seen only the first movie, and didn’t particularly like it.  Everything else I know has been gleaned from shows like Robot Chicken.  But I think I can try my hand at some fan-fic, even if I’m not a fan.  How hard could it be?

———

“Man, I hate this star system,” said Luke Skywalker as he leaned forward in his captain’s chair.  “It brings back so many bad memories.”  Luke hoped for a response from Leia, but she had long grown tired of his empty ramblings.  So there they sat, cruising toward Endor like they do every year.

“Do we really have to do this every year?” an annoyed Leia spoke up from the galley.

“Of course we do!  It’s a reunion of all our buddies!  We’ll get to see Han Solo and Chewbacca, and that fat guy…”

“Jabba.”

“Right, Jabba.  It’ll be like old times.”

“Dammit, Luke, you say that every year, and every year we have the same overcooked steaks and I have to listen to you tell the same stories about you blowing up the Death Star.”

“You’re welcome for that, by the way.”

Leia shook her head, adjusted the croissants attached to her ears, and muttered, “I can’t believe I agreed to this again.”

The lull in their conversation came to an abrupt halt when their spaceship received a signal.

“Luke!  Leia!  Help us!”

Luke grabbed the radio and looked at his video screen.  It was mostly static with only a faint outline of a figure.  “Who’s there?”

“It’s-a me, Luke!  Jar-Jar!  Me and Yoda have-a been kidnapped yes we have!”

“Kidnapped?  Who kidnapped you?”

“The Dark Lord himself, Vader did, mon!”

“Oh dear, not him again.  Where are you–”  The ghost image of Jar-Jar quickly turned to static, then popped up a clear picture of the smoky-voiced evil incarnate himself.

“Luuuke… I am your father.”

“Hi, Darth Vader.  I know.  Let Jar-Jar and Yoda go!  Why are you doing this?”

“To add… to my collection, of course.”

“Collection?  I never knew about any collection.  You never let me be part of your life!  Some dad you are!”

“BEEP BOOP GLEEP GLORP” said R2D2, which is robot for, “What’s all this commotion?  I was having a nice nap.”

“Sorry, Artoo.  Jar-Jar and Yoda have been kidnapped by Darth Vader.  We have to go save him.”

“BEEP BOOP GLEEP GLORP” (“Fine, wake me when we get there.”), he said as he rolled back away from the cockpit.

Luke turned his attention back to Vader.  “Where are you, you worm?”

“Wouldn’t you… like to know…?”  As Vader completed these cryptic words, Luke could hear Jar-Jar’s voice in the background yelling, “GARNEK!  GARNEK!  GARNEK!”  Visibly annoyed, Vader turned his back to the screen, said, “Shut up, you,” and Luke’s screen went blank.

“So,” Leia drawled, “I guess they’re on Garnek.”

“Where’s Garnek?  I’ve never heard of it.”

“Really?  It’s a planet made entirely of sugar.  Jabba had a vacation home there.  Absolutely dreadful.  The novelty of licking the ground gets old pretty quick.  Anyway, we’re not far — it’s just south of Naboo.”

Luke made a quick turn with the spaceship, and toward Garnek they flew.
———
As they landed on the sugar planet, a chill ran over Luke’s spine.  “I hope this planet doesn’t aggravate my diabetes.”

“Wait a second,” said Leia.  “You’re diabetic?”

“Yeah, all my life.  You’ve never seen me inject myself?  You never noticed that I only drink diet soda?”

Leia’s surprise quickly turned to suspicion.  “But… aren’t you a Jedi Master or something?  Can’t you ‘use the force’ to make your body produce more insulin?”

A considered look came over Luke’s face.  “You know, I never thought of that.  Lemme try something.”  Luke gritted his teeth and looked intensely for ten seconds.  His torso shuddered and a sense of peace overcame Luke’s face.  “Oh my god.  I think I’m cured.  Leia, you cured my diabetes!  Thank you so much!”

“Uh huh.  Vader’s lair is right there.  Let’s go.”

Torches in hand, Luke, Leia, and R2D2 entered the gumdrop cave.  They were immediately spotted by storm troopers, who began shooting lasers at them.  Fortunately, Luke used the force and laid them all to waste somehow.

After a harrowing battle that spanned less than one paragraph, Luke was spent.  On his hands and knees, he crawled toward Vader’s final lair.  Leia tried to pull him up, but he was too big for her to lift.  “Come on, Luke, we’re almost there!  Jar-Jar and Yoda are counting on us!”  Luke steeled his resolve, took a breath, and stood up.

“BEEP BOOP GLEEP GLORP” (“Hooray, Luke!  Now let’s get that black bastard!”)

“Artoo!” Leia scolded, “the racism in this story is supposed to go unstated!”

Luke turned the wheel on the huge, metal hatch that separated them from Vader’s inner sanctum.  As the hatch swung open, Luke and Leia couldn’t believe their eyes.  Vader had taken dozens of creatures and sealed them in cardboard and plastic display cases.  There were Jar-Jar and Yoda, yes, at the front of the room, but along the sides of the great hall were Ewoks imprisoned individually and in groups of five.  Luke and Leia passed a dazed Chewbacca and a powered-down C3PO.

“BEEP BOOP GLEEP GLORP” (“He was supposed to be on a cruise!  Oh no!”)

The three continued their uneasy walk past a Tauntaun and a bucket of tribbles when Vader appeared from the shadows of the balcony above.

“Luke… I am your father…”

“I know!!!  Come on, man, you gotta let these creatures go.”

“I can’t… they’re all finally… back in their original packaging…”

“It’s wroooong!”

“But they’ll be worth… hundreds some day!”

“So you’re not gonna play nice, huh?  That’s it.”  Luke pulled out that unmistakeable device from his robe — a glowing green light saber.  Vader produced a light saber of his own, his a brilliant fuchsia.  What followed was a battle unmatched in the history of light-saber duels.  Leia and R2D2 cheered on as the battle went back and forth.  There was even a point when Vader got Luke to drop his light saber, but Leia tossed it back to him just in time.  It was exciting.

The battle culminated in Luke chopping Vader in half.  As his torso slid off, Vader’s last words were, “You dared to kill… your father?”

And they all lived happily ever after.

———

Pretty good, no?  I think I’ll submit this one to the Star Wars message boards.  It’s sure to be a big hit.

-Darrell

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.