A Nameless Blog

As you know, I take requests.  Normally, it’s a bit odd and I try to make it work.  This time, though, the request was for more of the same.  The inimitable Rated X Super Mex requested that I write twenty-five MORE random things about myself.  I guess he feels like he just doesn’t know me well enough.  So while this might be the most unnecessary post in Nameless Blog history, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share more juicy details about my life.  Let’s begin.

1. Last week, I ate two boxes of Cheez-Its, a half-gallon of orange Gatorade, and a bag of Cheetos.  My puke was used to color the Cincinnati Bengals’ alternate jerseys.

2. For weeks, I told people that I grew my hair out for charity.  That stopped when I was told that the Foundation for Lookin’ Sexy isn’t an actual charity.

3. Some British newspaper stole my idea from three years ago, but did it in a slightly less amusing fashion.  I haven’t decided whether this counts as actionable plagiarism.

4. When I was ten, my mother played a rather cruel joke on me.  Every time I entered the room, a horrified expression came over her face and she attempted not to look directly at me.  She kept this up for four months.  It started to bother me until my birthday, when she finally gave up the ruse.  She said that she had been preparing for a background role in a theatrical production of The Elephant Man, but she was never in any such play.  In fact, nobody in the family has ever seen her act.

5. I once beat Garry Kasparov at Scrabble.  Who’s the Grandmaster now, bitch??

6. I’m a long-time friend and confidant to Steve Jobs.  The idea to slap video cameras on tiny iPods?  Yeah, that was mine.

7. I lived in a three-bedroom house in Tucson for my senior year of college.  I always thought that the walls would look better in an off-white, rather than the eggshell white that they were.  Not painting those walls is probably my biggest regret in life.

8. Some sports fans collect ticket stubs or pennants; I commemorate my experiences a different way: I collect hot-dog wrappers.  That plain square of foil with the mustard stain shaped like Greenland is from a Diamondbacks-Cubs playoff game in 2007.  The paper sleeve that still smells of sauerkraut is what remains from the Fiesta Bowl in which Ohio State beat Notre Dame.  I’ve noticed that the ones that still smell remind me of specific moments in those games.  Thus, I consider it a collection that pays dividends.

9. I like to make sculptures out of paper clips.  They’re all abstracts, and I haven’t been able to sell any of them.  Maybe some day.

10. I once peed next to Ron Jeremy at a urinal in Vegas.  I noticed it was him, but made sure not to glance downward.  He was not so gentlemanly; by the time we were washing our hands, he was recommending pills and exercises to increase my girth.  Otherwise, he was quite charming.

11. I almost never eat breakfast, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.

12. Like most men, I think about sex several times an hour.  When I’m not thinking about sex, though, I’m probably thinking about Art Garfunkel.  So much talent, such crazy hair…

13. I once tried to count the number of different types of animal I’ve eaten.  I think my latest count was close to thirty.  The weirdest one I can’t tell you about, but it rhymes with “dotted trowel”.

14. I’ve long thought our country is in need of re-branding.  Accordingly, I designed an updated flag and sent it to my Congressman.  He didn’t care for it, but I still think purple polka dots and “USA” in a jazzy typeface would show the world how hip and modern we really are.

15. I’m not some crazy religious person who thinks dinosaur bones are part of a huge, elaborate hoax.  I do, however, think that paleontologists are figments of our imagination.

16. I’m having a very hard time coming up with twenty-five more interesting things about me.  When I come across moments like this, I utilize my foolproof cure for writer’s block: I down a bottle of Colt .45 and jog around the block in my underpants.  It doesn’t help me come up with ideas, but it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

17. Sometimes I wonder why turkey tacos haven’t caught on yet.  Maybe a little cranberry salsa… admit that it sounds delicious.

18. With all my exploits, people often ask me who is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.  I always tell them the same thing: “Why the fuck do you care?  Make your own judgments.”

19. My favorite facial moisturizer was recently discontinued.  It was forty dollars per eight-ounce bottle, probably because it was infused with orangutan semen.  My skin hasn’t had its normal glow for weeks now.

20. Thanks to my buddy Tim, I played Beatles Rock Band before it was released.  Naturally, I loved it, but was disappointed that “Revolution 9″ wasn’t on there.  I could dominate the lilting “number nine… number nine… meedle-dee dee-dee backwards strings”.

21. Don’t ask me how I know this, but dental floss is not a suitable murder weapon.

22. I’m pretty fortunate in that I haven’t had anything major stolen from me.  My secret?  In grade school, I learned that nobody will steal anything from you if you’ve licked it.  So just as a warning, if it’s mine, I’ve licked it at least once.

23. I’m the chief heir to Elton John’s fortune.  We aren’t related; he just digs my style.

24. I was once offered a position on the board of directors at CBS.  That offer was quickly rescinded when they found out that I was briefly married to Jennifer Love Hewitt.  They were afraid that I would cancel Ghost Whisperer out of spite.  I tried to convince them that I wouldn’t, but deep down, I know I was lying.

25. As you might know, I’m a tutor.  As you might imagine, the hardest part about my job is telling students that they’re going to die.

Jesus, that took awhile.  As interesting as I am, even I sometimes have trouble coming up with readable things about my winning personality.  I hope you enjoyed this list of 25 — I promise it’ll be the last one I write.

-Darrell

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