Enough Tiger Chatter, Already
December 14th, 2009So… Tiger Woods is a philanderer. Oh boy.
My first reaction to the scandal is, “I don’t care”. My second, third, and fourth reactions were similar. For a minute after that, I thought a little about it. Like how amusing it was that we were given a fishy story about a one-car accident in a person’s own driveway. Man, it was so severe that a professional athlete’s tiny Nordic wife had to drag him out of the back window of his Escalade? Man. She must’ve gotten some o’ that superhuman strength that old women get when their grandbabies are caught under burning wreckage.
I also considered his loss of sponsorships. Corporations are distancing themselves from the Tiger name in the wake of these events, and it’s completely understandable. I guess. I first thought, “Why would it matter to Accenture whether Tiger Woods has a baffling number of mistresses?” Then I wondered why Accenture sponsored him in the first place. I realize I’m not in need of business consulting, but if I were, I doubt my decision on a provider would depend on the paid opinion of the world’s greatest golfer. It’s all just empty dollar-flexing, and I don’t care for it. Harumph.
As fascinating as these observations are, however, I can’t escape the overwhelming feeling that none of this is my business. Sure, he’s a public figure, but he isn’t a public husband, and he isn’t a public father. It’s not my business, and I refuse to have an opinion.
Having said that, it’s clear that this scandal is the confluence of our two most prominent societal tendencies: instant communication and schadenfreude. The instant-communication point is obvious: When Mickey Mantle was off “shootin’ beaver” under the bleachers at Yankee games, we heard about it in a book that only baseball fans read. If that happened today, the internet would explode with “Mick spied on me with a telescope” memes.
The schadenfreude part is just as obvious, but way more troubling when our entire vapid culture gets to bathe in it together. Too often in the last few weeks I’ve heard reporters and pundits say something to the effect of, “This is a big story because people love to see the mighty fall,” as if they’re apologizing for reporting it. That just makes me wonder who these short-sighted, selfish “people” are. Do most of us really want to see people fail just because they’ve succeeded in the past? Tiger never did anything to you — he’s boring and might be a bit of a dick, but why would you want him to show such weakness? The part of you that relishes in the Tiger Woods scandal is the same part of you that laughed heartily when Windows Vista was universally panned. I understand that you want the world to be just, level, and square. I understand that it’s selfishly satisfying when a Great Man has a Not-so Great Day. It’s a natural sentiment, but it’s shameful if you can’t squelch it.
Let’s shift gears, lest I start to defend Tiger too vigorously. Know that I don’t feel sorry for him in the least. It’s his fault that he betrayed his wife’s trust, and it’s his fault that he’s lost his sponsorships and sullied his public image. But really, why does a sex scandal still sully a person’s image? The sex scandal is so played out that none of it could be shocking or disturbing. Every sex scandal is the same — attention-seeking woman comes out of the woodwork to tell the world of her escapades with a celebrity. She shares some naughty quotes, photos, phone messages, emails, or text messages to add spice. Perhaps surprisingly, she’s mostly complimentary about the celebrity’s manners and prowess. Soon later, a handful of other women admit to similar encounters with said celebrity. The trash media and empty-headed public swallow it up, shit it out, and forget about it until the celebrity tries to make a shamed public appearance, upon which time the one-liners flow anew. Ho fucking hum.
The only difference among these stories is how the wife reacts, and even that follows one of only a few predictable channels. Option one: wife stands by husband, humiliated yet proud of her own power of forgiveness — this option is most common among wives of politicians. Option two: wife quietly divorces husband — happens occasionally, but isn’t as buzzworthy, so we don’t hear about it as much. Option three: wife attacks husband with blunt objects. For awhile, I thought Hillary Clinton would be the only person to pull off all three in a single lifetime, but #2 never came. Maybe there’s still hope.
Perhaps the only interesting thing to come from all this nonsense is the knowledge that Tiger has a type. I’m not sure why, but it’s something that interests me. I have a friend/relative/acquaintance who’s been married twice. Both wives look very similar. I have another friend/relative/acquaintance who, over the years, has introduced me to two different, yet similar-looking girlfriends. It’s always fun to able to say to myself, “Oh, you like eastern Europeans with large builds and square jaws. Interesting.” Now we know that Tiger likes busty young girls with service jobs and low self-esteem. He has a type. Interesting. Even still, it’s none of my business.
-Darrell