A Nameless Blog

Every two years, I get a bad case of Olympic fever.  This year, it’s just of the winter variety, which isn’t as severe.  However, it is bad enough that I need to write a bullet-style blogpost about the events I’ve had the fortune to witness over the past fortnight.  Let’s proceed in no particular order.

BOBSLED/SKELETON/LUGE: I might as well start with the event that first made headlines.  I won’t get into tsking the event coordinators or the track designers; we’ve read all that shit enough.  I’m still surprised and amazed that sports like luge and skeleton exist in the first place.  Who decided that sledding should be absurdly treacherous?  Why would anyone intentionally build a track that allows brakeless sleds to top 100 MPH?  Those people have a thrill-seeking gene that I lack.

Another thing about the sliding sports: they’re probably the hardest to watch.  Even something like figure skating, which has its own arcane set of rules and jargon, can be followed pretty easily: if the skater lands awkwardly, that’s a bad thing.  With the sliding sports, I have no way of comparing people’s runs or being able to tell whether anyone has good technique.  It just doesn’t translate to television.  Besides the horrific crashes, of course.

SNOWBOARDING: I hate to admit it, but I have jumped onto the Shaun White bandwagon.  For the longest time, I thought he was a doofy-looking stoner with an irritating manner about him.  I still kind of feel that way, but after watching the halfpipe finals, I also believe he is far and away the best in the world at his sport.  In the medal round, his jumps were noticeably higher, his tricks more impressive than all the rest.  And even though he had already sewn up the gold medal, he went all-out for his second run and gave everybody a fantastic exhibition.  Respect for that damned flying tomato.

SNOWBOARD/SKI CROSS: This is the type of skiing I’ve wanted since I was a lad: head-to-head racing down a hill.  It’s obvious who’s doing well because everyone’s going at once.  It’s a race — not the speed contest that is every other skiing event.  Plus, there are more crashes, and they aren’t as gut-wrenching as those in regular downhill.  Win-win.

CURLING: Bill Simmons has already devoted a lot of column space and podcast time to the sport of Scottish kings, so I’ll try not to be unoriginal.  First off, I agree that it’s fun to play along and talk strategy.  I agree that it’s easy to follow.  And yes, I agree that the Canadian skip is a sexy number.  All that said, I have one nagging suspicion that sweeping the ice is a lie.  I understand that sweeping gets rid of ice particles and may possibly melt a tiny layer, allowing the rock to slide farther.  But how much of a difference does it really make?  A bad shot is a bad shot, and sweeping ability can’t be so good as to turn it into a great shot.  Right?  I heard one of the commentators say something about how a thrower should have gone short because he had “such good sweepers” who could have placed it better.  How can you tell a good sweeper from an okay one?

CROSS-COUNTRY SKIING: Everyone rightly says that it’s less exciting than downhill skiing.  It is impressive, however, to see top athletes gear up and do what probably amounts to a frozen marathon.  I’ll never forget the sight of five skiers plodding toward the finish, then immediately collapsing as if they had crossed the Others’ security fence from LOST.

SHORT-TRACK SPEED SKATING: Super exciting, seemingly inconsequential.  Based on the disqualification rules and the behavior of the participants, it seems to me that luck is the most important element of short-track.  Apolo Ohno won his first silver medal this year because two Koreans tripped over each other on the final turn.  The Chinese women’s relay team won gold because a Korean slightly nudged someone along the way.  J.R. Celski got held by a Canadian who was falling behind; for some reason, the Canadian was automatically advanced to the final, while Celski was disqualified.  What?  Your sport is exciting, but too maddeningly random for me to take seriously.

BIATHLON: Every winter Olympics, I encounter another person who is unfamiliar with the biathlon, even though it’s one of the oldest events.  What’s so strange about the combination of cross-country skiing and riflery?  It’s a great synthesis of two important Nordic skills.  I’m sure hours of flat-land skiing followed by patient tracking and shooting of animals is how generations of northerners fed their families.  Anyway, my other point is similarly unnecessary: NBC did an excellent job making the biathlon watchable.  An event like that begs to be misunderstood, but the coverage made sure the viewer knew what the hell was going on.  Well done.

NORDIC COMBINED: Now here’s a combination that makes little sense to me: ski-jumping and cross-country skiing.  The worst part is, the ski-jumping appears to be completely unimportant.  Competitors first have a ski-jumping competition in order to determine the orders and headstarts for the lengthy cross-country skiing race to follow (much like the Eliminator on American Gladiators).  The thing is, if I remember correctly, the gold was won by someone who did rather lousy on the ski-jump.  So really, the Nordic combined is just a more complicated cross-country skiing race.

MEN’S HOCKEY: I can’t get enough Olympic hockey.  The ice is bigger, so the puck moves quicker and more freely.  There aren’t TV timeouts, so viewers never lose a sense of urgency.  Everyone’s playing for national pride, so every team takes the tournament seriously.  It’s my favorite form of hockey; the NHL could learn a lot from the IOC.  I love it so much, I don’t even have a snarky comment about it.  Okay, maybe just one for Jeremy Roenick: J.R., you’re retired.  Get those teeth fixed.

WOMEN’S HOCKEY: The trouble with women’s hockey is that only the U.S. and Canada are any good.  Games aren’t watchable because either you’re watching a blow-out or two teams that screw up a lot.  Also, checking isn’t allowed, which seems antithetical to hockey, women’s or not.

ICE DANCING: sucks.  You know it; I know it; the American people know it.  It’s just about footwork and timing.  It’s synchronized swimming with a frozen pool.  No jumps?  The dudes aren’t tossing ninety-pound girls ten feet into the air?  Nobody’s falling down?  No thanks.

FIGURE SKATING: It’s the most popular winter sport, but I’m far from in love with it.  It’s an impressive athletic feat, but I can’t help but get frustrated at any sport that depends on judging.  I prefer sports to be objective — cross the finish line first and you win.  Avoid debates, controversies, and bribes.  Even beyond the judging, I think I’d appreciate a little more detail about the standards that the judges use.  There’s occasional mention of how skaters have to pull one skate over their heads during the bridge of the song, but I’ve heard nothing about what the penalty would be if an Olympian did it, say, during the coda.  Give me figures, Scott Hamilton!

AERIALS: Add this to the list of sports that I will never try.  I can see how it evolved.  “Hey, see that ramp I built?  I’m-a go do a backflip.”  Competition ensued.  Meanwhile, people like me stayed in the ice-fishing cabins to nap, read, and masturbate.

I think that’s about every sport.  Wow.  The Winter Olympics really don’t have that many sports.  I guess there’s only so much you can do with ice and snow.  Below are a few suggestions for the IOC to consider for future Olympiads.

SNOWMAN BUILDING: I suppose this would be a judged event, which isn’t ideal, but it doesn’t have to be.  It could be devoid of design; teams would have to build a six-foot-tall snowman comprised of three large snowballs at least two feet in diameter.  First team to stick a carrot in the top snowball is the winner.

SNOWBALL ROLLING: Competitors start at the top of the hill.  Whoever’s ball is most fit to crush a cartoon coyote at the bottom of the hill gets the gold.

ALPINE MIXOLOGY: Athletes must use natural ice and snow to concoct the ideal gin and tonic.  This event is here exclusively so the Brits can have an event to dominate.

SNOWSLIDING: We’ve seen people go downhill with two skis, then one board; let’s continue the trend.  No skis, no board: just a pair of water-resistant boots.  Athletes need not remain upright all the way down the hill, but they must not burst the water balloons attached to their helmets.  Pundits will call it “controlled falling”, but I’ll just call it “endless drama”.

CLOCKWISE SPEED SKATING: Why must every track sport go counterclockwise?  Maybe we’ll get a new pack of athletes who are more suited to turning right all the time.  I’m just saying it’s worth a shot.

Okay, enough nonsense.  I have more curling to watch.

-Darrell

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 25th, 2010 at 9:30 pm. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.